We were kids together.

I met him when I was young. I met him in school, around fourth grade. We were inseparable. People told me he had a crush on me, but I didn’t listen. He was my best friend. I didn’t care what other people thought.

We sat together during free time in the back of the room, on the cold, hard, tiled floor, our backs against the plastic cabinets locked to keep us out. In my hands was the guide book to Pokémon Sapphire and Ruby. In his hands was tracing paper.

“Do you want to go first?” he asked me. I shook my head.

“No, you can go first.” I rip a piece of tracing paper and he turns away. I flip through the guide book to the end, where the Pokémon are displayed. There, near the end of the book, is one of his favorite Pokémon. I smile, position the piece of tracing paper over Latios’s picture, grab my pencil, and begin to outline it.

“Okay,” I say, folding the rest of the book under itself so he couldn’t see the Pokémon around it. He turns and his eyes focus on the lines I make as I bend over it, casting a shadow to be sure he can’t just see through the paper. He frowns then, as I arch around Latos’s wing, his face splits wide.

“Latios!”

I laugh, hand him the paper, pencil, and book, and he motions for me to turn around.

“That was an easy one,” he says to my back. I grin at the floor.

“Next time it will be harder.” But it won’t be, because we know every Pokemon’s name, silhouette, and type like we know our own birthday. Other kids said it was silly to do our little game, but we didn’t care. We didn’t want to be popular, anyway. All we wanted was each other.

Together, we were a team.

We sat on the bus together, too. The long, yellow bus with the driver that we didn’t like. She was mean and had glaring, narrowed eyes. We would sit together and curl up behind the other seat’s shadow so she didn’t see us. I would pull out my Gameboy Advanced—in that aspect, I was a cool kid. Everyone else still had only Color.

In the handhold was Pokemon Crystal. I’d boot it up and we would sit close together, with him looking over my shoulder. He couldn’t bring his Gameboy to school and hide it in his backpack like me, after all. But he would watch me and congratulate me whenever I caught a new member for my team. I wasn’t very good then.

Sometimes I would get annoyed when he asked to play it. I told him no, because it was my game, not his. I didn’t want him to hurt any of my Pokemon. I didn’t want him to make them faint and cause me to lose money. Who would want that, anyway? Losing game money is a pretty big deal, after all. So I would do this little trick with my Gameboy. You see, I could flick the power off button without it turning off. He would grunt and turn away towards the window, his arms crossed. Then I would turn away from him, risk being seen by the bus lady, and continue playing. I’d hide it when he got off at his stop, which was before mine, of course.

During recess we’d play Pokemon together, acting out everything. I had a Blazekin, since I was a sucker for fire types, and he’d have Mudswamp, a water type. Together we fought against Bad Guys and caught all the legendary pokemon—though we did fight over Latios. We’d run up and down the playground and battle each other. Sometimes we would become the pokemon ourselves—that’s when the battles got really heated. No one ever won, though. Neither of us wanted to admit defeat.

When I was about seven, I sprained my ankle and fractured my growth plate. I had to come to school in a cast. That day, everyone was my friend and wrote on it, saying things like “Amanda was here.” I asked Matthew to write on it first. He couldn’t at the moment, but wanted to be the first one anyway, so I refused to let anyone touch my cast with a pen until he had a chance to write on it. It was hard telling everyone no, but I did it.

Because Matthew was my friend. And he asked me to do something and I promised. We never break promises.

He kept pace with me during my time in the cast, since I wasn’t allowed to run around much. He didn’t like playing tag with everyone anyway, so he was happy to opt out of the game. We sat together and showed off Pokemon cards and played Pals together. The kind of imagination game that doesn’t always involve running.

Matthew was the only boy at my birthday party. I don’t think he minded.

When I got older, Mom stopped letting him spend the night. I had to do one birthday party without him, which was weird. No one wanted to talk about Pokemon with me. I thought it went pretty well, but it was hard telling Matt he couldn’t come. I didn’t understand why Mom wouldn’t let him stay the night, but I couldn’t argue. She was my Mom, after all.

Eventually, we had to move. It was pretty hard. I didn’t want to. I took pictures of my house so I would never forget it. I didn’t like telling Matt we were leaving then, too. I didn’t think I’d see him again.

It was years until we talked again. I lived in Portland, Oregon, and was struggling through 7^th and 8^th grade. I needed a friend.

It was Mom who told me. Matthew has cancer, she said. I paused and didn’t say anything at first.

“What kind of cancer?” I said.

“Leukemia.”

“Oh.” That’s okay, I thought. He’d be okay.

We talked over the phone one night. He had to be in a wheelchair.

“That’s cool,” I said.

“Yeah.”

“Have you done anything fun?”

“I went to a dance.”

“Oh.” I didn’t like dances.

“Yeah. It was kind of lame.”

I laughed. I felt like crying. He didn’t sound the same. He sounded older. He sounded weak.

“Are you going to come down?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I said. “I think so.”

“Yeah.” he said. “That would be cool.”

There was a pause. Then, remembering an old game of ours over the phone we used to play when we were younger, I grumbled:

“Dang it, Blazekin, don’t catch the bed on fire!”

I think he smiled.

Mom sat me down one day.

“The doctors said he only has until Christmas.”

I didn’t know what to say. I cried harder that night.

But Matthew proved them wrong. He lived. And he lived through the next date they put on his life, too. Until finally we were able to find a flight and I was flown down to see him. I stayed with a good friend of mine, Katelyn. I called her KK, since those were her initials.

It was fun for the first few days. We were going to see him on the third day, so I could get settled in. We hung out in her tree house and road four wheelers around. We even went to the national park not far away and drove around in there one day. We played video games together and laughed about friends.

Then the third day came. They drove me to Matt’s house. I had never been inside before. I walked up the steps to the second floor. It was messy. Matt’s Mom was on the couch. She said hello. Her eyes did not.

There was a nurse there, too. We were led to Matt. He was laying in his parent’s room, I think, because I don’t think Matt was allowed to have a T.V. in his room. He was watching Pokemon.

We sat down on stools by his bed and I smiled at the screen.

“I just saw this episode a few days ago,” I said. KK laughed.

“You two and your Pokemon.”

I forced myself to look at him as he reached for the remote.  I didn’t want him to grab the remote, because I could see every one of his bones. I thought that the remote would snap his wrist in half. My heart sped up and my throat clogged. I was scared for him. Even the blankets looked like they were too heavy on him. He picked up the remote and turned the volume down. He looked at me with sunken eyes and smiled a little. He had a hat on and a little bit of hair poking out from under it. I talked to him like I would a child. I felt bad but I couldn’t stop. He looked weaker than a baby who was trying to keep his head up.

Before we left I took a picture with him. They told me to get closer. I was scared I might crush him if I sat too close.

You couldn’t see his eyes in the photo.

I saw him again before I left. He was sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I think they were trying to move him. Maybe for more Cemo. I’m not sure.

The nurse was a plump woman and she had her hands over her mouth. She was trying to keep from crying. I was too stunned to cry. I knelt by his side. I looked at the nurse.

“I don’t know what to say.” I almost laughed. It was such a cliché thing to say. How silly for me to be at a loss for words. She smiled a little, like maybe she thought it was cliché, too.

“Just tell him you love him and kiss him on the cheek.” she said between her fingers. Her eyes were filling with tears. She blinked a few times to make them go away.

I leaned over Matt’s bed and kissed his cheek. It was cold like stone. I felt his bones under my lips.

“I love you, Matt.” I whispered, like it was a secret only he was to know. The woman smiled at me between her fingers as I stood and walked towards her. I tried my best not to cry, but I knew she could see my eyes fill with water.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know,” she said, her voice suddenly guilty. I smile.

“I know.”

I left California not long after that. I didn’t know exactly what to say to anyone. I came home. A week passed and I was starting to meld back into normal life. Mom sat me down.

“It’s about Matthew.” she said, her back against the brown fabric couch, her hands in her lap. I stood there a moment. My heart leapt.

He was healed! There was no other explanation!

I jumped onto the couch next to her and smiled. I couldn’t open my mouth to say, “What is the good news” before she opened her’s.

“Matthew’s dead.”

I didn’t cry at first. At first I thought she was kidding. Some cruel joke that she would laugh at then scream, “No! I’m kidding, he’s all right!”

She didn’t. She looked at me hard. I stared at her shirt.

Then I cried for hours.

I couldn’t go to his funeral, but we sent flowers and I sent a letter. My friend KK was able to attend. She told me it was beautiful. I didn’t want her to tell me anymore.

In class I stood before the bell. A girl named Lauren turned to me.

“Are you okay?” she asked. I looked at her. She was showing me the first kindness in years.

“My friend passed away not long ago.” I said. I kept myself from crying.

Lauren turned away.

“Oh.” She didn’t speak to me for weeks after that.

October 12, 2013, the new Pokemon game came out. I booted it up with my brother at my side.

Matthew would be amazed at how far we’ve come. I thought. From pixels to 3D. I play through the game and gather his favorite pokemon.

I name them Matthew.

I send them to people over the internet.

Your name will always live on.