5.24.22

Talks with my therapist 

You’ve got a sweet family.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing them with me.

Thank you for being part of it, for however long you’re here.

I told Janet I had no expectations entering this relationship. I tried to keep myself from committing, from falling too quickly. I tried to keep up a wall to ensure I would not be hurt, to ensure I would not be too much. I told Janet that I didn’t know how long this would last, and that’s okay. That’s okay.

For however long you’re here. 

I told Janet how much I liked you. I wanted to be your girlfriend early on, but feared expressing this desire. I found myself unsure yet of how you’d react, unsure if you’d be surprised by my eagerness. I tried to keep my distance. I tried.

For however long you’re here. 

I told Janet I made you a key to my house, something I never did for anyone else before. I gave it to you the night I told Janet that I loved you. 

For however long you’re here.

I told Janet that you said you loved me first. On the couch in your little cottage, you held me and breathed those three words into my lungs. I told Janet how much it meant to me. I told her how it felt to fall for you.

For however long you’re here. 

I told Janet I asked you to Pride in Boise. I asked you to spend the weekend there, to attend with me. The event is not for months, a distance into the future that I try not to schedule out with someone new to my life. I told Janet that this makes me feel unsteady, makes me feel vulnerable to be hurt. I am planning this future with you, and building an idea of what that might be. It will hurt if you end up not being in it. 

For however long you’re here. 

I told Janet about our weekend together, about how I told your mom that she has a sweet family. I told Janet how your mom replied, and how, for a moment, I stood there, in stunned silence. 

For however long you’re here. 

I want to be here. I want to build a future. I do not want there to be doubt. 

For however long you’re here. 

For forever.