4.1.22

I read three different articles on when to say “I love you.” I read them while smiling at the messages you sent me. I read them when feeling my heart swell to I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend by Girl In Red. We’ve been dating for two months. This surely must be too soon.

The articles all declared that the best time to say it is when you feel it – that there is no “right” time. But surely, two months must be too soon.

One suggested that I say “I’m falling in love with you” first, to test the waters. The thought of uttering those words makes my throat tighten. Surely, I must be moving too quickly. Surely, this must be too soon.

My chair creaks as I lean back, take a deep breath. I admit that I feel like I’m falling in love with you to my therapist, with shaking hands and nervous words. I doubt myself. I doubt my authenticity. This is my first committed relationship like this. Do I really know what I’m feeling? Do I really know the meaning of my heart? I think of you and smile. The article advises to differentiate between infatuation and love. They list how to tell if you’re in love. 

Do you feel like you can be yourself?

Do you feel like they will not judge you for being authentic?

Do you feel like you’re a better person, even when they’re not around?

Do you find their quirks endearing instead of irritating?

Do you enjoy conversations with them? 

I do, I do, I do.

This list is not helping me. Am I sure that’s still not just infatuation? Am I sure that’s not just… something else? In between infatuation and love? Is there even a word for that?

I fret about what this could mean. I fret about saying it too soon, about scaring you. I don’t want to scare you. I want you to stay, and I’m worried that these words will slip from my mouth before I have any ability to stop myself. 

I almost said it to you last night, you know. As we were drifting to sleep. It sat on my tongue, and I found myself unable to say a word, for fear those might be the ones tumbling through my lips.

You have already made me trust you much sooner than I often allow myself to trust. You have lowered my walls much sooner than I ever do. Surely, I cannot be falling in love. Not at two months.

But…

I think of you. I think of you, and I smile.

Yes.

I think I very much so I am falling in love with you.