TW: sexual harassment, graphic harassment, disturbing imagery, mentions of rape

Childhood Friends

            Yesterday I remembered my sexual harassment. I stood on the cold floor of my work’s new building, cushioned pads beneath my feet, placed there in hopes my bad ankles did not give way during business hours. My hands rested on the metal top of my workspace, pistol lights and pistol molds laid out before me, waiting for a holster to be built upon them. I’m not sure why such a memory struck me in that moment. Perhaps it was the chill in the air that pulled me back to the cold Oregon evening, sat with a blanket over my legs before the desktop screen. Perhaps it was the smell of burning plastic in the air that churn my intestines like the message I got on my screen. Maybe it was the taste of bile in my mouth, the way I wanted to puke. The way I wanted to run. Perhaps it was the way that, despite all this, I stood, frozen, unable to do a thing to stop it.

Portland had been a difficult move, but I was glad to have found friends. After school, we would jump on AOL, chat and write stories with one another. We often stayed up later than we should, chatting away as the sun set and the stars shone. One such night I sat perched in the wood chair that threatened to fall apart, the glass top of the office table chilling the bare skin on my arms. A blanket hung around my lower half, helping fend off the evening chill as I stared at the bright screen before me. Only one friend was on, a gal with the name Pop. It wasn’t her real name, not really, but it was what her mom wished she could name the girl. Pop’s relatives disapproved, so her true name was something more normal, but on all the forms, she wrote her name P-O-P.

We chatted about nothing, as was often the case with her. Things were light, never serious. Even when you attempted to breach further than the surface, Pop would shut you down and you’d walk away feeling silly for even trying at depth. I had stopped trying long ago, and accept that our friendship would never develop further. We chatted about school, about Latin assignments, about her interest of boys and my lack of interest in anyone. That always surprised everyone—that I had gone so many years of my life without even a passing curiosity. It had become a tiresome topic for me, one that I usually dismissed.

And that’s when a new message popped up. A message from an old childhood friend. He was cute in the ‘we grew up together’ sort of way, cute in the ‘I understand why girls like you’ sort of way. He had introduced me to a few video games back in the day, let me swim in his pool when we were kids. My brother and his brother were best of friends, and I often tagged along because I enjoyed running around the woods at their house, climbing trees, smashing buttons to beat up bad guys on a screen. With an easy name, Adam, I never forgot him, though we could never truly be considered good friends. We enjoyed each other’s company, but we never sought it out. Still, being alone with Pop wasn’t ideal, and I was curious about him reaching out.

You’re on late.

I arched a brow and chuckled, letting one hand land on my upper leg to try and rub some warmth into it. I typed with one hand.

Tend to be xD how r u

Good
You’re hot

I frowned at this. We hadn’t seen each other in five years. I didn’t have a FaceBook—a new creation that my parents forbid me from having. It was strange of him to say such a thing out of the blue, wasn’t it? But I went to an all-girl’s school—maybe boys were just weird like this?

Uh?

LOL what if I fucked you

I sat back from my screen, alarmed. This didn’t seem like Adam. The Adam I knew was kind to me, was kind to my brother. He never showed an interest in me before—and wasn’t he dating someone? I had heard from a friend of a friend that still lived in the area near him—he was with a new girl, Anna. Wasn’t this talk disgusting? Was this talk vile? Why would he even wish to do such a thing with me?

I didn’t respond right away. But the message sat there on my screen, bright and bold and not going away. I had to tell him no, didn’t I? That was the right thing to do. Say no and move on.

Ew no.

I bet you’d like it
I bet you’d want more

I would not want more. That’s gross

You would
My cock is so big it’d probably break you

Leave me alone

I’d pound you so hard your vagina with split
You’d bleed everywhere

Stop it you’re disgusting

I bet you’d like it if I stuck it in you
And just kept going
You’d say stop stop
And I’d stick my dick in you and it’d come out the other side
You’d be bleeding everywhere and crying
I’d do it in front of your house for everyone to see

I sat back, legs crossed. The blanket fell on the ground, but it made not difference. I was cold. I was so cold. Didn’t I borrow his swim trunks once? I swam in the pool on a hot summer afternoon, his mother made us all pizza. Didn’t we play Neopets together? Didn’t he show me Kingdom Hearts?

I didn’t answer. Not for a long time. I went back to my chat with Pop. He messaged again.

I bet you’re horny from the thought of it
You want me to rape you

I thought you were cool.

You didn’t say no

Stop messaging me

You like talking to me.
You want me to do it.
Where do you live?

I put my status on invisible. I messaged Pop.

I’m still here. Sorry.
Weird guy is talking to me.

That’s okay I’m going to bed anyway! Night!

Pop logged off. I sat there. Adam messaged again.

Lol I know you’re still there.

I brought my knees to my chest. I had told him no. I had tried to ignore him. What did I do? Was this just his way of showing that he liked me? I heard that boys were mean to the girls they liked. They were cruel to catch their attention. They antagonized and made the girls angry. Was this that? Was I supposed to be flattered? Or was I supposed to be scared?

My eyes grew bloodshot and watery from staring at that message for what felt like hours.

Are you ignoring me? Lmao

I bet you’re wet

You’re wet thinking about me raping you

Come back 🙂

I closed the app. I shut the computer down. I watched the screen fade to black as the dark house fell into focus around me, my eyes blind for a second before they adjusted. I said nothing. I got up. I walked upstairs. I crawled into bed. And I tried to sleep.

Come the next day, I attempted to tell my friend Alex what had happened. I told her that I was on messanger as invisible because an old friend was being creepy last night.

Lol no worries, that’s fine

Yeah he sent me a ton of weird questions

Weird :/

I watched as Adam’s icon popped up, indicating he had logged on. I looked back to my messages with Alex.

Want to do some RP?

I closed my eyes. Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal. Maybe that was just something people had to deal with. Maybe it was my fault because I responded to him. But I thought he was safe.

I turned myself onto available. Adam messaged me immediately.

Hey sorry about the weird messages, my friend got on my computer

Oh ok

He’s kind of weird lol

Yeah thanks for letting me know

            It was just me then. It wasn’t a big deal. I looked at the keyboard, worn from so much use. Some of the keys faded to the point of being unclear as to what they were. It was probably my fault for engaging. They were just weird messages after all. And boys are mean to those they like.

Adam and I never talked again. We haven’t for ten years. To this day I have no idea if he really did have a friend over that night his account sent me those messages. I have no idea. And I never told anyone.